The Father Wound
Dr. Mike Courtney
Simply Free 2014
“While the term “father wound” is not an officially recognized clinical term, it is used by many mental health professionals in identifying the origin of numerous emotional and behavioral conflicts in spouses, singles and children. These difficulties can be the result of failing to have a strong, loving and supportive relationship with a responsible father, or as a result of modeling after and then repeating significant weaknesses of the father such as selfishness, excessive anger, emotionally distant behaviors or indifference to the faith.” Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons
- The Role of the Father
Intimacy (Genesis 3:20) vs Identity (Genesis 2:19)
When Identity is not present:
Seek their identity from their _moms_. Seek other men to _define__ them.
Develop a false _femininity_. Create counterfeit _intimacy_.
Become _passive_ as fathers. Become _possessive_ as mothers.
Are _absent_. Are _abusive_.
In 1960 __11%__ of kids were born out of wedlock.
In 2005 __45%_ of kids were born out of wedlock. (70% in the black community.)
- The Reason for the Wound
- 1900’s The Industrial Revolution: Fathers left the __farm_.
- 1940’s World War II: Fathers left the __home__.
- 1960’s The Feminist Movement Fathers left our __hearts_.
- 1970’s Baby Boomers Father’s left our __minds__.
Fathers have become physically __abusive__.
Fathers have become __emotionally_ unavailable.
Fathers have become culturally __absent__.
Invasiveness vs Abandonment
Distortion of boundaries
Destruction of self-worth
Dangerous level of anger
Disproportionate amounts of fear
The interesting thing is that a survey of psychologists and therapists suggest that it s more difficult to heal from abandonment than abusiveness. At least if I am getting slapped around it is an acknowledgement that I exist.
- The Result of Father Wounds
Statistically: A 30 year study at Johns Hopkins recently said that the single most consistent factor in heart disease, cancer, clinical depression and mental illness in men over 60 was an absent father in their childhood years.
71% of high school dropouts were fatherless
65% of teen age pregnancy was in girls who were fatherless
90% of homeless teens are fatherless
There is a dramatic increase in the fatherless population in gender confusion, suicidal ideations, substance abuse, social misplacement.
The Original Feeling Child felt __valued__, __identified_, ___safe__
The Wounded Sobbing Child felt ___abandoned__, ___worthless__, __victimized_
The Surviving Coping Child becomes ___angry__, _addicted__, __abusive__
- Becoming a HEALING FATHER
If you are concerned that you wounded your children START now making it up to them.
S– search your own wounded heart
T– trust God to be the Healer
- acknowledge the sins of the past
R– reach out to your children
T- give it time. Be consistent, sincere, and patient.
- Becoming the HEALED SON (or DAUGHTER)
If you recognize father wounds in you start now making it up to YOU.
- Admit you are _wounded__
- Accept your feelings as __valid__.
Anger, sadness, remorse, loneliness
- Affirm your __worth_ (and let others do that for you)
- Acquaint yourself with healthy __men__.
- Allow __God_ to be your Abba Daddy.
29 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.” Mark 10:29-30
Notice that father is missing in the second list. God reserves that spot for Himself. He wants to be your Abba Daddy.