Yesterday was my birthday. Hold on. This isn’t an attempt to make you feel guilty and start a whole batch of “happy belated” messages. It’s just the opening line to put things in context.
So, here’s what I did. I started my 73rd year as I start nearly every day, a cup of coffee and some quiet time about 4:30 or so. Then, because it was Thursday, Bible study with 20 guys who have been meeting together for 20 years. We are taking the month of July off from face-to-face, so we were all on ZOOM and I had Bible study on our deck. Finished in time to clean up and then right back on ZOOM for a radio show with my great friend, Jeff Shreve on American Family Radio. ZOOM and YouTube has made doing radio shows a little more complicated. Used to be I could do a radio show in my bathrobe and a 3-day growth of beard. Now everybody has a podcast so you have to look presentable, at least from the shoulders up. 😊After the radio/podcast I spent an hour on the phone with a pastor in another state that is losing his ministry and his family unless God intervenes. (And He will.) Then, the best stuff of all, I took Mimi and the 2 youngest grandkids, Caleb and Amos, to Donut Palace, a little hole-in-the-wall donut shop in Murfreesboro with the best donut holes in the south. From there, wading in the creek, lots of time at the Arcade, (we won two plastic soldiers and two Super Sour Pops, and it only cost us $45 apiece. 😊) and, the rest of the day having a blast with Caleb and Amos until we all collapsed in front of Ice Age before bedtime. Oh, and in between all of that, I read carefully and tried to respond to hundreds (I think that’s the right word) of Facebook messages and birthday texts.
With all of that going on, I am reflecting on growing old. It is quite an accomplishment. If I had known for sure it was going to happen, I think I would have prepared myself better. It’s an interesting phenomenon, old. All you really have to do is wait and old will come. Yet it still seems to sneak up on you. One day you aren’t, and the next day you are, and you’re not really sure what it was that pushed you over the line. It comes at different ages for different people, but it comes for all of us, unless it doesn’t. So, how do you know? What are the signs that say you have officially arrived? It’s not a set number of years. Caleb and Amos have only known me as old, but most people might have said 4 or 5 years ago that I was not. It’s not the onset of creaking bones and failed memory. That stuff has been happening to me for years.
Over the last couple of days, these 5 things have circled back time and again that seem, for me at least, to be the milestones that declare to me and about me, old has arrived.
- My mind and my body finally agree. The body has been giving me old messages for quite some time now, but my mind just would not listen. The first hint was when Josh was in 7th grade and challenged me to race to the mailbox. My mind said, “You can take him.” When I took the first, fast step, my body and my hamstring said, “Settle down, pops. You are way past this.” Early on it was my mind that was telling the truth and my body sending false signals. My mind for example said. “You better take care of yourself if you want to make it to old.” My body said, “You’ve always been slim and trim. Have another bag of donut holes.”
Lately the two have reached an understanding with each other. My body will say, “You better ease up a little bit on the tennis court. You’re not as young as you used to be.” And my mind will say, “I’ve been telling you this for a long time.” That is also true with my schedule, my projects, my goals, and my ambitions. Both body and mind are saying more and more, “You don’t have all of the time in the world any more. Focus on what really matters. Focus on Kingdom stuff.”
- Here’s the second thing. My expectations have finally fallen to the level of my limitations. For so long, what I hoped for, what I planned for, was way out there somewhere beyond what was ever really possible. When you are young you love phrases like, “Shoot for the stars and you’ll get the moon thrown in too.” Or, “The only thing that limits you is your ability to dream.” I love that stuff. It sounds wonderful, but in reality, I was never going to make it in the NBA. There is only one president of the United States and it was never going to be me. And knowing that the second million was easier than the first only hid the fact that the first million is really, really hard. As old has arrived, I have become comfortable with my limited abilities and what I expect is about on that level. I can be a good dad, not the best, but good. I can love my wife with all my heart, probably not shower her with diamonds, but love her just the same. And I can make a little bit of difference in my small circle of influence. I’ll never be a world changer but I can help my neighbor mow her ditch. That’s enough.
- Man, I have to hurry. I’m getting older by the minute. Third thing, it’s quick. My calendar has started lining up with my clock. I heard Max Lucado say awhile back, “I have retired from 2 things, mornings and evenings.” The day of feeling like I have to fill every day with busy is long gone. I have come to recognize that I am old and old dictates the schedule. I think more in terms of recovery time, naps, and weekends that last from Thursday to Tuesday. Gone is the need to out work, out hustle, out perform. In all honesty, I wasn’t doing that stuff anyway. I was just trying to LOOK like I was. Now what matters is quality time with Jesus and my family. My daily planner and to do list, starts with that, then a lot of blanks space, and finally a few things that will help the Kingdom. (I refer you to point number 1.)
- Getting close, I know I am old because my faith has overtaken my experience. I have seen God come through so many times in these 73 years. Miracle after miracle. Blessing after blessing. I am TRYING to write the follow-up to “Failure and How I Achieved It,” which would be a compilation of the countless, marvelous things that God has done in Branches, in our lives, and in the world around us. But I have also seen God NOT answer prayer. Friends have died. Relationships have ended. Hopes have been redirected. As I have grown old, I have come to see that God is God and I am not. My faith in Him and in His ability and willingness to work, is not based on what I have seen Him do or not do. My faith and confidence in Him is based on far more than whether or not He helped me get that first million. Old (and I use that word intentionally 😊) Job was on to something when said, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” God has been so good to me and I am thankful, but I don’t trust Him only for that reason. In fact, as I look back, some of the most powerful moments He worked in my life, was when it felt like He was NOT answering my prayer. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
- That leads me to this last thing: what I have deserved and what He has given me are not even in the same ballpark. Remember the context? 73rd birthday? So much fun stuff? Tons of notes and messages? In my old age, I have never been more aware of how underserving I am, and yet never been more grateful for my life and what God has done. Thank you ALL. Thank you family. Thank you Doris. Thank You Jesus. You have all been way better to me than I deserve. And I know. I am old.
